Thought of traipsing up to Kenosha…
In the US&N, I’d been there before,
Lost my virginity in a cornfield nearby,
Some ages before I turned 24.
But got it all back again
At the Mardi Gras Ten & Jive.
Helps when you’re nevillized and radiated—
I was lucky to get out alive.
Don’t wanna buy a rittenhouse:
Upkeep is a sure killer,
Weeding out all that cnnapfox lice
And a frozen Lake Mich’gan is no moonwalk Thriller.
So, I’ll go play with my supply chain,
Order lots and lots of useless stuff for under the tree.
I only hope one day I’ll become Turpin Strong
Like Jordan and Jennifer; What, you talking to me?
Oh, the horrid errors of Yule
We have all committed:
Mixed up colors to patterns;
Ribbons tied so misfitted.
Gave ‘em the wrong present
Or left on the price tag;
Switched the main big one
With the present that’s a gag!
Quick wrap on Christmas morning—
Oh, what an unsightly cut.
The paper just won’t fold
And I cannot get the box to shut!
Such perils of childhood presenting
On every December 25th;
THEN: Missing one’s front teeth
So every time it’s Saint Nicholith!
Then the unforgiveable crime,
Even if only a kid—
Someone (?) had somehow discovered
Where all the Christmas presents were hid!
So I became a Santa agnostic,
But it was really alright:
And I still get that soul-tug
Whenever we sing “Silent Night.”
And now I have my own child
The best present I ever had!
And should she find where I hid those gifts—
Well, ya know, it just won’t be all that bad!
“Jingle bells, jingle bells…”